apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
pop tarts are not kleenex
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
