Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
