i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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