I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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