I wish I only lived at night.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
