I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
