your room smells of hookers.
And success
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
