remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
