Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
