I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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