Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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