how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
