I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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