Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
