Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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