Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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