you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
