idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
