When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
