i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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