who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The feeling are messing with the penis
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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