thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
