does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My hand turned me down
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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