Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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