I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
