Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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