two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
