I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize
