Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
