remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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