Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I CAN MOONWALK!
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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