I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
