I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
