I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
