the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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