I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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