Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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