I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
