shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
