I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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