I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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