I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
