Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
