Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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