My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
