Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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