i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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