Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
