I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
