if i can run in heels then i can drive
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Your cock deserves a montage
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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