You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
