the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
