My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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